before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
