Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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