I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
