Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
