hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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