i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
there's paper in my vomit.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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