Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
