I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
