You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
