Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
