My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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