its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
