worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I looked at my own cervix.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
