Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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