I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
