I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
