Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
