so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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