we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
