so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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