she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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