this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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