you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
