I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
