Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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