jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
