so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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