Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize