I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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