My underwear smells like fireworks.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
