So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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