A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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