i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
