Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
