Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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