Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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