whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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