I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize