I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
