dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
