Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize