you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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