He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
