I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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