How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i already hear my dad disowning me
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
