wrigley field is MILF paradise
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
it's like iHOP with fire
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
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