I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize