wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
what is it with giant penises always finding me
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
