I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
