Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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