I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
