Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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