she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
