Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
