I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
