Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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