the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize