What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
