there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
