How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
